Regression

Bringing home your new baby is an exciting and overwhelming experience to say the least. Bringing home your second baby when you have a toddler at home, that is a whole new can of worms. I really thought that all of us were completely prepared for baby Julia to arrive, even Emily. I had no idea just how naive I was being about this process. I have been so worried, angry, frustrated and scared this past week that I finally realized I won't feel any better until I talk it all out. Even if no one ever reads this.

This past week has been particularly challenging in regards to Emily's behavior and the balancing act I now call life. I returned to work this past Monday which in all honestly I thought I would not make it through the day. I have to admit that Monday came and went rather unceremoniously as it usually does. I even managed to keep myself from calling Kate a million times that day. Instead I only texted her once and it was well after lunch. That right there is some sort of miracle in and of itself.

Now up until this past week Emily was only having what I would call minor behavioral issues. I suppose to really understand the issue that is currently brewing in our home you would have to know that Emily has been completely potty trained for at least 3-4 months prior to Julia's birth. I do mean COMPLETELY, no accidents day or night at all, like ever! Now that you have the back story I will proceed. Once we brought Julia home Emily started to have some issues, which we expected and I thought I was prepared for like I said earlier.

At first she started with temper tantrums and crying or pouting at the drop of a hat. For the most part we decided to ignore this behavior when it occurred in hopes it was purely attention seeking and would stop if she did not get the desired results. She also started asking us point blank for attention, usually to the effect of " mommy i need attentions". This I obliged, each time she asked we tried our best to give her a few direct moments. I guess I thought if she was going to ask politely then there was no harm in giving in to her requests. Unfortunately not long after that we began having a problem with back talking and general disrespect of authority figures. I am so embarrassed by this one I mean I find it truly shameful as a parent. This I had to stop immediately, so any instances of this have been met with disciplinary measures. Which to be perfectly honest haven't show a great deal of results to this point which only adds to my frustration and self doubt. I find Emily a difficult child to discipline i have yet to find what truly motivates her. As if this wasn't enough to deal with in our sleep deprived and weary state, she then hit us with the big guns, potty training regression.

*** Now from this point on I will be blatantly discussing potty training issues, so warning there may be some TMI for some people ***

This has been so very difficult, I mean y'all it's been like multiple outfits a day. I have found myself getting so frustrated and even to the point of outright anger towards her behavior. These accidents are not like " I waited too late and didn't get to the bathroom in time" oopsies. It's more like "I'm gonna stand right here in front of the toilet and pee myself, what are you gonna do about it?" I mean like a full bladders worth down into the socks and shoes. To the point that I have no choice but to strip her down and give her a bath. In fact today not only did she pee her pants during naptime ( the soaked socks ad shoes kind) she also pooped her pants, I mean POOPED y'all! This was not like I had a little accident no this was a full "movement" per say in her pants. The worst part is I know she had to be awake because her room was destroyed with toys everywhere from where she had obviously been playing instead if napping. When I found her this way I almost went ape mad. When I asked her why she didn't come tell someone she needed to go potty her answer was " because I did". I mean really? REALLY? I had to bite my lip to avoid spewing out anger that looking back was clearly misplaced and I'm so glad that I didn't unfairly lash out at the poor girl.

I have no idea what to do with that. We had a long talk about how mommy and daddy were disappointed in her behavior. Nothing seems to work lately, she goes back to the same behavior not 5 minutes after being in trouble. I think a good portion of this boils down to Emily's personality, she is a sensitive child with a very sensitive heart. Much like I was as a child I desperately wanted everyone to love me all the time and to please everyone. In some ways like this we are so similar but in others we are so different, I see a strength in her that I myself have never possessed. She is so strong and resilient and I hope I can do my best to nurture these qualities equally so that she becomes the truly extravagant young woman I know she will be. The world needs to look out because Emily is coming! :)

Defining "working mother"

Today was my first day back to work. Man! I forgot how enjoyable my job can be. I was so focused on missing my girls. I was quite proud of myself that I only texted Kate once to check on the girls. I'm actually quite surprised by that.

The day came and went so quickly! I hope I can keep this up and stay on track with home stuff too!

"Mommy? Do you love me?"

Zach took this picture of Emily playing while the sunshine streamed in through the window. He's a budding photographer I think.

This morning while in the bathroom helping Emily with her morning routine she stopped and asked, "Mommy? Do you love me?". Of course I immediately gave her a huge hug and reassured her that I love her "sooooo" much. But as I sit around this morning, her question is pulling at me.

I was already have some bittersweet moments these last few days as I prepare to return to work. This whole thing has caused me to worry about the girls when I return to work. I am terrified that especially Emily won't understand why mommy isn't home with her all day anymore. I was a sensitive child and Emily is definitely a sensitive child as well. She easily gets her feelings hurt and cries often over the smallest things. Granted she is two and some of that crying is her version of a temper tantrum.

A few shots of the two sisters.

I think all of these issues are the root cause of my disappointment in myself. I carry a huge emotional suitcase labelled "Stay at home mom". Obviously it is not in the cards logistically or financially for me to be a SAHM. I completely acknowledge that fact and have no problems with it.

Sweet baby girl, I found this shirt horribly appropriate for my girls.

However on the flip side I struggle with this fact as well. Maybe not so much that I am not a SAHM but that I have no desire to become one. It is a self imposed guilt cycle I have created. But I must admit I have wondered late at night how it will affect the relationship I have with the girls in the future.

One comfort I have is the bond that Zach has with Emily and Julia. They are definitely daddy's girls and that is such a wonderful thing to see. And as he reminded me this morning, "we don't know what their future holds, no one does". Smart man that one.

"Mommy, I wanna hold Baby Julia. She's my big sissa" I think she meant that she was the baby's big sister :)

"you can thank OBAMA for that!"

So I wanted to talk a little bit about an experience I had this week, the whole thing has stuck with me and I thought talking it out might help.

On Tuesday I went to the doctor for my 6wk follow up after having Julia. For the record that went fine, that is not where I had the "experience" to which I refer. But it does give light as to why I had the car and why I had to pick Zach up from school that day. We only have one car so there's a good bit of dropping off and picking up in our lives lately. Anywhoo...now that I've had a successful sidebar, back to the actual story.

On the way home from picking Zach up from school we stopped at Kroger, I needed some things to make dinner (Chicken fajitas, yum!) and I had a prescription to pick up that the doctor had called in for me earlier. So we get our few dinner ingredients and head over to the prescription counter. The cashier got my prescription and rang up my few items and gave me my total $4.27. My face must have looked absolutely crazy because without me saying anything the cashier immediately began to explain. She said " Under the new healthcare law there is no charge for birth control (BC)". Which would have been sufficient explanation for me but she then felt the need to add "You can thank OBAMA for that." in an extremely condescending and snarky tone. I really had no idea how to respond to that so I just thanked her for her service smiled and Zach and I went to the car.

Once we got in the car on the way home Zach brought up an extremely interesting point. His point was that the office of President of the United States does not get nearly the respect it deserves from the general public. He felt that since President George W. Bush there has been a growing social trend of calling the incumbent President simply by his last name which is bothersome to me.

Now I don't want a million comments getting into a debate on the merits or faults of the incumbent President or his policies or any of his predecessors.Also I will NOT be divulging my opinion on the President or any of his policies in this post. I am simply saying I agree with Zach's point that despite what you think of the man (or woman one day :) who holds the office, you should still afford the honor and respect that the office he (or she) was elected to holds. He is the President of the United States and will be for the next four years, it is appropriate to treat him that way. I am sick and tired of the derogatory tone that people use when referring to President Obama, ok so you don't like that man that's fine you don't have to talk down about him all the time. I really think there is a time and place to discuss your dissatisfaction with his policies or actions but those would hopefully be kept to productive discussion among peers that would lead to thought provoking discussion. With any luck that would lead to productive action towards change. Granted I realize the complete and total idealistic nature of that thought. But I choose to remain optimistic on the subject.

I think within the family group children often pick up on these strong opinions that their parents have simply because it is reinforced within the household. Though it's not always children, it spans across all generations often without anyone realize it is happening, I can say I have found myself guilty of this phenomenon as well. It took some self evaluation to realize I had no merit for feeling the way I did in regards to certain ideas or thoughts. I imagine this is all more common in our American subculture here in the south where family means everything to us. Zach could tell you that too many times he sees young children filled with not only dissatisfaction but outright hatred for people they don't know and over issues they don't understand simply because that is what they know from home. That breaks my heart! As a parent I can understand the desire to have your children share your ideals and morals but I also think they need to come to those in their own time and be free to develop other ideas that may not always line up with their parents. Differences in thought and opinion are what sparks ingenuity and growth in our culture.

I really feel there is not enough emphasis on tolerance in our society today. Unfortunately people still fear what is different and unknown for the most part.